What does 40 look like?

Exactly ten years ago I remember going to a Kimball Hill company picnic and my name sticker said "Jessica D" and I remember thinking ...  was this an omen?  We had just started dating and this was a big step.  He was so cute and we were so young.

This was a big birthday.  I was turning 30!  Oh my GOD!  30...  30 means responsibility and adult.  30 means grown up.  30 means marriage and family.  30 meant so much.

We celebrated at the melting pot with all of my friends and my family.  My sister had just had E and she made an appearance at my birthday celebration.  J sat next to me and I remember thinking my whole world was before me.

And it was.

In my thirties:

I bought a house
I got married
I got pregnant
I went to work with my family
I had an amazing little boy
I sold a house
I bought another house
I moved to Fort Worth
And bought yet another house
Learned more about decorative concrete
Watched my sister get married again.
Got pregnant again.
Ran a half marathon
Had my beautiful baby girl
Moved back to houston
Lost my sister
Took over administration of family business
Watched my son start kindergarten
Got separated and later divorced.
Began the process of learning how to be a single parent of two amazing, smart, strong willed, happy and well adjusted children.

Sooooo  as I turn 40...  I look back nostalgically at my 30's and wonder what's in front of me...  but on my actual birthday...  I'm not happy to be here.  I didn't think I would be doing it alone.  I didn't think I would be *here* as I start the next chapter of my life.  Soooooo  I think I'll celebrate 40 when I am in a different place... When I finally have a handle on this single parenting thing and I've fully got the hang of my new normal.

I know that my future is bright.  I know, without a doubt, that the best is yet to come.  But I also know that this is my journey.  And I know that this journey is teaching me things that I will need in the future.  I am blessed beyond measure with the things that I have and in about six month's, I will love celebrating my 40th birthday.