Saturday, May 24, 2008

Dear Joseph: One year later

Dear Joseph,

I absolutely cannot believe that you are one year old.  How did it happen?  One year ago I was wondering what you were going to be like. I wondered who you were going to look like.  Would you smile easily?  Would learning come quickly to you, or would you work for it?  :)  Would your personality closely resemble your daddy’s or mine?  Who would you be?  

And I have learned so much from you in this year.  One major thing is that you are YOU.  You have YOUR personality.  And I am HONORED to know you.  You make my days’ brighter and my dark moments tolerable.  

You have taught me patience.  The patience to know that things don’t always go as planned.  If things are worth having.... it’s worth working for.  (doggy bowl, anyone?)  There is nothing more important than a good stretch and a giggle in the morning.  (well maybe a diaper change).  

You have taught me to play.  Take time and play!  Blocks go on top of each other and things that go bang bang bang are fun!  Water is worth giggling over and splashing is fun too.  

You have taught me to yell.  (not at you my precious).  Just throw your head back and yell sometimes.  It’s freeing actually.  :)  And frustration that I can’t get that darn door open is a good enough reason.  Shoot... the dog moving is a good enough reason when you are trying to scale Mt. Murphey!  In fact, you don’t need a good reason to let out a yell!  Do it!  Do it now!  

You have taught me that there is nothing more precious than your faith in me.  When you lay your tiny head on my shoulder and wrap my hair around your fingers... you are the epitome of trust.  You are trusting me and your daddy to take care of you.  You are trusting us to love you.  

Recently, while looking at houses up in Fort Worth, I came across a fun lady.  I complimented her on her gorgeous children and she said that “God doesn’t make mistakes.”  I stopped to think about that.  What a poignant comment!  And I think you are that comment all rolled up in one 21 pound 30 inch body!  You have ultimately taught me that God doesn’t make mistakes.  

I love you sweet boy!  Your daddy loves you!  Your maw maw and paw paw love you.  Your bebe and big daddy love you!  Your auntie Kristin and cousin Emi adore you.  And your Auntie Erin and Uncle Kevin and cousin Jack love you!  We all love you little one!  

God doesn’t make mistakes.  

Dear Joseph

Dear Joseph,

today, is MY birthday.  33 years ago, my mom welcomed me into this world and I would like to think that she had many of the same worries and anxieties and excitements that I do, right now.  I know that times were different then and the world events made specific worries different... but, as a mother... the *act* of worrying is the same, no?  

I think of the milestones in my life thus far... but mostly, I think back about three years.  For some reason, that birthday is jumping out the most for me.  I was turning 30.  I was off of ships and had said that when I turned 30, I wanted to be in a house, with a dog named Murphey and a garden.  I also said something about a husband and more.  And, on my 30th birthday...  I celebrated with wonderful friends AND...  your daddy.  Your daddy and I had literally just met one month before and yet, I would like to think that we both just knew.  

We woke up that morning and went to his company picnic... remember, we had just been dating for one month.  When we arrived at the pavilion, they had our name tags and they had mine as ‘Jessica Davis’... which probably FREAKED your daddy out.  Some of his other friends, Rob and Candy mostly... just smiled and said that the same thing had happened to them when they first started dating.  I smiled inwardly and thought... now that would be nice.  :)  

That night, we celebrated with my friends and family at the Melting Pot.  There had to have been almost 30 of us.  We had such a nice time...  food, friendship and budding love.  What more can you ask for?  

And yet... about one week earlier, your cousin Emilie had been born.  I remember the *magic* of that event...  the anticipation, again, the anxieties, the joy and then the overwhelming love that coursed through me.  I had the great fortune of being present when Emi was born.  To see her enter this world...  wow!  I wondered at the time... when would I ever get to experience that...  THAT feeling?  

And now... three years later, on my 33rd birthday...  I sit here, (at 4:00 am no less), thinking about YOUR birth, your existence and thinking about the landmarks that will happen in YOUR life.  I wonder what you will look like.  Will you have Daddy’s eyes?  Will you have my smile?  I hope you have your Big Daddy’s laugh and zest for life, your Bebe’s quest for knowledge and living, your Paw Paw’s steadfast loyalty and backbone and your Maw Maw’s endless patience and ability to love.  I wish for you, your auntie Erin’s ability to take chaos and make it into beauty and your Auntie Kristin’s ability to accept diverse situations and love without limitations.  

I dream for you to have your daddy’s ...  well, his everything with a bit of *me* thrown in for good measure.  :)  I think about your daddy...  right now...  and his ability to calm me, to make me laugh, his patience, his communication skills and just the way he loves me... and lets me know that I am loved.  If you have half of that, when you get older...  you will be a remarkable man!  You see, 3 years ago, when I met your daddy... I had no idea what I was getting into...  but, wow, if I had gotten a glimpse... I would have recognized what love can BE.  

What parts of me do I hope that you get?  :)  I hope that you inherit my love of adventure.  Don’t EVER think that you CAN’T do something.  Don’t ever let someone tell you that you don’t have the ability to do anything in the world that you want to do!  I hope that you get my optimism... because, you see...  I tend to believe that with my ‘anything is possible’ attitude that people are inherently good and wise and loving.  I believe in chances...  (I get this from your maw maw) and I believe that if you give someone a chance... they might blow it.... but not for lack of trying and again... anything is possible.  :)  

So...  here I am.  4:30 am on MY birthday... wondering when you are going to make your entrance into this world... and wondering when you do, what you will be like.  I know that you will face many challenges in your life, but that will make you stronger.  I know that you will have many joys in your life... and I hope and pray that I get to be there for ALL of them.  I know that you will face adversity and failure... and hope that you will always know that we are right there beside you but you will learn from those experiences and then... one day, you will look up and all of a sudden... you will be 33 and wonder how you did it all!  

Know that you did it all... with the help of your family.  With the help of your friends and with the help of God who made it all possible, from the start.  

I love you Baby Joseph...  with EVERY fiber of my being!  

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day

My mother with her Grandson who made ME a mommy.  

Joseph is the reason that I can celebrate Mother’s Day a little bit different today.  A year ago, I was expecting him... I celebrated as any new mom to be celebrates.  It is a celebration of anticipation.  Now... now...  I can celebrate as a full fledged, wear the badge of honor, sleep deprived, spit up on my shirt, baby food tasting, diaper changing, poop wearing mother.  

I found a blog that I had written in May of 2006.  It reads as follows:

Happy Mother's Day

I saw the nicest comment today on one of my websites. A young woman was walking through a store with her new baby and a 60ish woman stopped and oohed and ahhed over her baby. She said all the appropriate things... your baby is so beautiful etc. Well the young mother said how blessed she was to have a good baby. Her reply was "Oh, I don't know if there are ever babies that are THAT easy. There's just moms who love them enough not to mind the work!"

And, thinking how nice that was, it makes me thing of my own mother and my mother in law. These are two of the strongest women I know. They attack the daily duties of their day with a smile on their face and with the spirit of someone who knows where they have been and knows how to be the best at the hardest of all tasks... being a mom.

A mother is not just someone who gives birth. It is not someone who makes the choice to adopt. A mother... a "mom" is someone who knows how to kiss away hurts and celebrate even the smallest of triumphs. They can solve all of the worlds problems with an ease that is second nature.

And, I wonder... how is that? How does a woman just 'know'? There is no class that teaches these things. There is no book that will tell you how to do this. I suppose it's born of itself when that little being comes into your life. There is a popular quote that states... "becoming a mother is deciding to live your life forever with your heart outside your body."

I don't know how this feels. I do know that when I look at my beautiful niece that I saw come into this world... my heart melts into a big pile of goo. Is this what that mother love feels like? No... this is Auntie love. I can only imagine that mother love is even more all encompassing.

So, this little rambling is in dedication to all those mothers out there that do such a great job. There are times that you may doubt that is human nature, but know that in your heart and many others, a child loves you and celebrates you just as much!

You have the toughest job of all and you are appreciated!


Now I re-read my words...  my pre-mother words and now I don’t have to “imagine” what that love means.  I am blessed enough to know that it IS all encompassing.  It IS overwhelming!  It IS worth it.  

And because of this, I appreciate my own mother even more.  I appreciate my mother in law even more.  I appreciate all of my friends who are mothers, those who are waiting to be mothers and those who are mothers who have suffered unimaginable losses.  

Being a mother is by far, the best and hardest job that I have ever held. I hope that all the mother’s out there, got a chance to feel appreciated today!  Because you deserve it!  Here’s to YOU and all that you do! 

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Always have a Backup

You learn many lessons when you become a parent.  Some of which are solicited and some of which are not.  (I always loved when someone would stop me from eating something when I was pregnant and tell me how it was or was not appropriate).  

But, I remember reading somewhere that it was super important to have extra lovees in case one goes missing.  There is the story that I heard about the little boy that had a turtle lovee and one day it got left behind somewhere and the mommy had to search and search and search and search for a replacement.  Little Johnny couldn’t sleep without it.  It involved many tears, many sleepless nights, (some from Little Johnny) and much surfing on the internet and a lot of money spent on the final replacement.  

So, I stocked up on several lovees.  I have the little blue bear with silk ends with Joseph’s name embroidered on it.  I have the little dog with a polka dot skirt (for lack of a better description) from his Bebe.  I have a silk on one side, chenille on the other side small square with silky edges.  Then there is the one that rattles.  The one that sings.  The one that does everything but rock him to sleep.  

None of these *do it* for my son.  Noooooooo... that would be too easy.  My son does have a lovee...  it’s just not easily duplicated.  It is one of a kind and not small enough to snuggle with him in his crib.  He loves to rub it’s hair (or rather pull it), he kneads his little hands around it’s neck.  He quiets instantly when he finds it.  He has even been known to bite.  

Maybe one day, someone will figure out how to duplicate this particular lovee...  then she won’t be so darned tired all the time.  :-D 

Thursday, May 1, 2008

" I Saw God Today"

So, I was driving to work the other morning and was listening to a country radio station when this song came on the radio.  And I almost stopped my car to listen to it as tears came to my eyes.  

I got to thinking...  We all feel that we live a “Godly” existence.  Some of us talk to Him regularly, some only when the mood strikes, some of us only when it’s an emergency situation.  We feel that we *see* God in church, or in a mountain or in a rainstorm and some may see Him in the leaves wiggling on a spring tree.  Others of us might *say* that we see Him or speak to Him but we don’t necessarily understand what that means.  

Your Godly experience might be totally different from mine.  Mr. Smith’s “Godly” experience is quite different from Mr. Rubenstein (I am not being judgemental here, I promise!)...  we are all cut from a different cloth but of similar fabric.  And I do feel that we all need to believe in something.  

That said... in this song that I heard this morning...  this singer

was talking about how they saw God when they saw their child born. I know that in my own personal situation, If I hadn’t seen God before, I certainly did the moment I laid eyes on Joseph.  

I don’t think that one has to have a child to have that epiphany that there is something greater out there, guiding us through life.  I remember a time, when I was working on ships that I looked out the Alaska Glaciers and watched them calve.  The mountains were all around us, there were seals on the ice and bald eagles flying overhead.  I realized that we are very very small in the grand scheme of things.  

That said, all of my previous *epiphanies*, whether it be that mountain in Alaska, the sun streaming through the window at the Vatican, skydiving in New Zealand or walking through a temple in Vietnam...  nothing... none of it compared to the knowledge that I helped to create something this special.  He is my confirmation of all that I already knew.  That my God is magnificent.  

Have you had any of these moments?  

Saw a couple walkin' by they were holdin' hands 

Man she had that glow 

Yeah I couldn't help but notice she was startin' to show 

Stood there for a minute takin' in the sky 

Lost in that sunset 

Splash of amber melted in the shades of red 

I've been to church 

I've read the book 

I know he's here 

But I don't look 

Near as often as I should 

Yeah, I know I should 

His fingerprints are everywhere 

I just slowed down to stop and stare 

Opened my eyes and man I swear 

I saw God today 

Got my face pressed up against the nursery glass 

She's sleepin' like a rock 

My name on her wrist 

Wearin' tiny pink socks 

She's got my nose, she's got her mama's eyes 

My brand new baby girl 

She's a miracle 

I saw God today

It was Time for a Change

So lately, I had been feeling rather frumpy and kept talking about cutting all of my hair off.  However, my best friend and my hairdresser both were saying ABSOLUTELY NOT!  They both kept telling me I was “hot” with long hair... ::::insert eyeroll here:::::.  I have never been “hot”... and have always bordered on “cute”... and am really okay with that.  :-D  

So, last week, I went in for my usual hair coloring and kept thinking maybe I will maybe I won’t... maybe I can convince Meagan to cut off all of my hair.  But I was sort of confident that she wouldn’t and that’s always safe.  :)

I get into her chair, she asks me what we are doing, I give her my  normal response... “make me pretty, k?”  She goes off to mix my color and I grab a hair magazine for arguments sake.  I am flipping when she gets back and she looks down and says “THAT’S IT!”  I look up and ask... huh?  She says, if you are going to cut your hair, that’s the one! 

She continues coloring my hair and I keep thinking, do I?  Don’t I?  I literally vacillate all the way up to the time that my color is done and I HAVE to make the decision...  when I get a burst of energy and say DO IT before I change my mind.  She takes her scissors, takes my hair and bunches it all together and cuts off about five inches.  (she wanted to be safe in case I started crying).  Silly girl...  I say... keep going!  

By the time I was done, I had cut off about eight inches and I love it!  I feel lighter than I have in month’s, I feel “cute” and it’s flippy.  It’s fun!  It’s a great mom do without being the typical “soccer” mom... (not that ANYTHING) is wrong with that.  :)  

I hadn’t even told my husband I was doing it...  I drove home the whole way laughing to myself.  I pulled into the driveway, and he’s sitting outside with our son... I get out of the car and he looks at me and looks again and says.. “did you tell me you were going to do this and I forgot?”  I said NOPE!  He says... “I love it!  I really really love it!”  

And the best part is that now, I look younger.  Someone even told my 33 year old self that I look 22.  YaY!  And my son can’t use my long hair as a lovee anymore.  YAY!  

It is only fitting that as my husband and I ready ourselves to make a move...  I have made over my image too.  Yes, you read right... some of you even know.  I have eluded to it in another blog...  but we are moving to Fort Worth.  My parents have bought a second business and Jason and I are going to run it.  

I am super excited and he is beyond elated.  It is a wonderful opportunity and we are both so lucky and so blessed to be given this chance!  Now... on to meet new friends and start a new life.  Wow!  How scary!  How fun!  

edit on July 18:  I am SO regretting cutting my hair as I can't put it up... why oh why did I need the change???