Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Dear Joey: Nine Month's

My precious little man, you are growing up so fast!  It hardly seems real that just nine short month’s ago, you entered our lives.  Was it really nine month’s?  Were you really growing inside me as long as you have been in this world?  How is it possible that you haven’t been busting my heart wide open forever.  Well, I think that you actually have.  

Let me explain.  I have always dreamt of being a mother.  I have always had visions of diapering and feeding and holding and loving a baby.  Your grandparents always used to tell me not to go off and have babies too early.  (I am so glad I listened, by the way... how would I have EVER appreciated you this much when I was younger?)  Anyway...  I had a vision in my head of the way that it would be.  So, I think that I have always loved you in my heart.  However, having you actually here in my life makes it pale in comparison.  

Being YOUR mother makes me a better person.  You have taught me so much... how is it possible that I was so ignorant?  :)  Most recently though, you have taught me a bit of pain through growth.  This past week was your first week at daycare and I am quite sure that I was worried part of me would die without you during those short hours.  

We decided that it was time for daycare because you are very active and bringing you with me to work is really unfair to you.  You might not believe that the alternative is much better right now, but it is!  You really need the interaction of other children and teachers that are going to spend lots of time with you.  So after much research and a whole lot of coercion, I was convinced that I had found the right place.  

To say that it’s been a rough week is an understatement.  Driving you there the first day was torture.  You looked at me with those big eyes of love.... and you knew we were going to see your mawmaw and your Mimi...  you were so excited.  When we pulled up to Starting Point Children’s Center you still just went along with a big smile on your face... until...  until I handed you over to Miss Javeline and Miss Ann.  Your little face fell and you reached out to me with big tears in your eyes.  And I had to do the unthinkable... I had to walk away.  

I watched you on the television screen in the director’s office for about fifteen minutes and we both cried the entire time.  I finally had to walk out that door and know that ultimately, you would be okay.  It was a horrible day.  I called to check on you several times and they said that you had “been a bit fussy” which I knew meant you had cried all day long.  I assure you that I cried all day long too.  I missed you so much and I had visions of jumping in my car and snatching you away from those big mean ladies.  :)  Alas, I didn’t.  And you know what...  you did okay.  

It took all week but each day got a little better than the last.  You have taken to the assistant director, Miss Brett and one of the teachers, Miss Ann.  You are eating okay and still on a bottle strike, although are taking water out of a straw cup pretty well.  My big boy, you are even eating real people food, in small amounts.  Thank God, the last day, Friday, you didn’t even cry at all when I left.  You didn’t look happy about it, but you didn’t cry.  You must know that by now, I will always come back for you!  That it breaks my heart to leave you but even if I know that a situation may not be best for ME... that the right thing is what’s best for YOU.  And that will always be what is most important.  

As you probably know by now, your mommy reads several message boards and other’s blogs.  She has learned so much from the big cyber world.  This journey was made even harder this week because there is a couple in Dallas that is going through the unthinkable.  They have lost a little baby, younger than you.  I cannot imagine my life without you in it.  I cannot imagine my world without your giggle and your smile.  You bring me light, you bring me love and your hug is worth a million gazillion dollars.  All I can do is pray that although you will have bumps and bruises (how else to grow?) you are kept safe and know... KNOW that your mommy, daddy, Bebe, Big Daddy, Pawpaw, Mawmaw, Mimi, Aunt Kiki, Cousin Emi, Aunt Erin, Uncle Kevin and cousin Jack... love you very very very much!  And that ultimately, you are in Gods hands.  

I cannot believe you are nine month’s old.  :)  

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