Saturday, July 26, 2008

Conversations ... with God?

Sometimes it's hard.  I think that the longer my husband and I are away from each other, the harder it is for us to communicate with each other.  He has been up in Fort Worth for almost two month's now... and I have been here "holding down the home front".  He drives home every weekend and I eagerly await his return.  All the while, I am packing up our house, taking care of our toddler, pretending to work (I am a fraud and don't know what I am doing right now)...  and facing the fact that I am leaving everything and everyone that I know right now.  

I am falling into my routine, he is falling into his routine and on Wednesday of this week, our routines merge.  With all of this upcoming *stuff*...  our worlds collided last night.  We exchanged words.. rather heated words...  some stuff was said...  some stuff wasn't said...  a cold shoulder was turned (by me) and eventually, after much stewing and much time...  I got over it.  

I always remember someone telling me that with fighting comes passion... so that is good, right?  We definitely have passion.  But, it's hard.  We fight ... we communicate...  we exist... totally differently.  He says things that he needs to get off of his chest...  and once they are said, he automatically feels better and then it's forgotten.  Me... I am an elephant (well figuratively speaking) ha ha ha...  and I remember everything.  I hear it over and over and over and over again.  I will hear it at some totally random time when things have completely blown over.  So, he feels better but I feel worse every time I hear it again.  How do we change that?  How do we change who we inherently are?  

I awoke last night, or rather this morning, at about 4:00 am.  I came downstairs and read some of my sites...  checked my mail... and then went to the blog Bring the Rain... the author is an amazing woman who truly inspires me to be a better woman, a better Christian and a better mom.  So... I was reading her blog about snapshots we take with our mind.  And I was reading about her faith.  And the snapshots she takes in her mind for Jesus.  Amazing.  

So, I sat here, at my kitchen table, and prayed.  I prayed for God to talk to me and give me the answers I most needed.  Why were my husband and I fighting so much?  Why didn't he get it?  Why didn't he want to?  And you know what I heard God telling me?  He doesn't get it because I don't let him.  He doesn't know me because I don't let him.  He told me to give him a chance.  Give him a chance to understand my feelings.  That in time...  we would *get* each other.  That in time, we would have the marriage we were destined for.  We *talked* a bit more...  but eventually,  finally... I fell back asleep.  

This morning... I very calmly, very gently, told my husband what I was feeling.  It didn't go great.  But, it didn't go badly either.  And with the day's passing...  it got easier.  Tonight, I am back to looking forward to the move, our future and am feeling much lighter.  I know that Jesus has lightened my load.  Thank you!  Thank you for believing in me.  

1 comment:

Lawfrog said...

I'm glad you found solace in prayer. It's too easy (in the midst of our everyday lives) to forget to stop and be quiet with God.

Marriage is ever changing because the people in the marriage are ever changing. It's not easy to merge those changes together into a seamless picture, but it's worth it to keep trying.

You and your husband are both under tremendous stress right now. Trying to sell one house, packing to move into another, starting a new business, having a toddler to look after...any one of those things is difficult, but taken together, they can be overwhelming for both of you.

Keep praying and know that God will provide both answers and comfort whenever they are needed.