I am falling into my routine, he is falling into his routine and on Wednesday of this week, our routines merge. With all of this upcoming *stuff*... our worlds collided last night. We exchanged words.. rather heated words... some stuff was said... some stuff wasn't said... a cold shoulder was turned (by me) and eventually, after much stewing and much time... I got over it.
I always remember someone telling me that with fighting comes passion... so that is good, right? We definitely have passion. But, it's hard. We fight ... we communicate... we exist... totally differently. He says things that he needs to get off of his chest... and once they are said, he automatically feels better and then it's forgotten. Me... I am an elephant (well figuratively speaking) ha ha ha... and I remember everything. I hear it over and over and over and over again. I will hear it at some totally random time when things have completely blown over. So, he feels better but I feel worse every time I hear it again. How do we change that? How do we change who we inherently are?
I awoke last night, or rather this morning, at about 4:00 am. I came downstairs and read some of my sites... checked my mail... and then went to the blog Bring the Rain... the author is an amazing woman who truly inspires me to be a better woman, a better Christian and a better mom. So... I was reading her blog about snapshots we take with our mind. And I was reading about her faith. And the snapshots she takes in her mind for Jesus. Amazing.
So, I sat here, at my kitchen table, and prayed. I prayed for God to talk to me and give me the answers I most needed. Why were my husband and I fighting so much? Why didn't he get it? Why didn't he want to? And you know what I heard God telling me? He doesn't get it because I don't let him. He doesn't know me because I don't let him. He told me to give him a chance. Give him a chance to understand my feelings. That in time... we would *get* each other. That in time, we would have the marriage we were destined for. We *talked* a bit more... but eventually, finally... I fell back asleep.
This morning... I very calmly, very gently, told my husband what I was feeling. It didn't go great. But, it didn't go badly either. And with the day's passing... it got easier. Tonight, I am back to looking forward to the move, our future and am feeling much lighter. I know that Jesus has lightened my load. Thank you! Thank you for believing in me.