Random thoughts on a Saturday Night

People always say that they love their children the same.   Or that you have enough love to go around with your kids.  One child cannot be replaced with another.  Etc etc etc. 

When I was pregnant with Jocelyn, I truly wondered, as all mothers do...  will I be able to love Jocelyn like I love Joe?  Will Joe feel the loss of love from me because I love her now too?  The answer to the first question is yes and no.  :-) 

I remember a friend of mine telling me that she loved her first born even more because she saw them play together.  And this kind of fits here.  Joe obviously cannot play with Jocelyn because she's too little.  But to see the way his eyes light up when he sees her and the smiles that she gives him and only him are truly priceless. 

I have worked really hard at having some alone time with Joe so that he doesn't feel the "loss".  And before I even had Jocelyn, we had Jason take over much of his nighttime duties so that when baby was born...  there really was no change there.  I can honestly say that I love them different but equally as much. 

I love being a mommy to these two kids.  These two kids shape my heart and epitomize that saying ...  I will forever know what it's like to live with my heart outside my body.  Joe's giggle lightens the worst of days.  Jocelyn's smile..  well the new 100 watt bulbs that Jason thought we HAD to have.. they have nothing on her.  Her eyes twinkle. 

I thought I had lived before I had kids.  I had adventures and stories and pictures that I still call upon to remind me that being afraid and doing it anyway is sometimes good. 

But now...  now, my days are filled with little boy kisses, dirty hands, crayola markers marking up his arms, sharpies on my wood (oh my), four year old jokes, "why's", twinkle twinkle little star and the wonder of everything being new. 

Each minute is taken up with thoughts of breastfeeding, baby wearing, cloth diapering (yes we ahem I am cloth diapering and it's not your mama's diaper system), fitting in going to work to get some stuff done, oh yeah... maybe try to train for that half marathon I really want to do (you want me to RUN with the baby in 104 degree heat???), and being a mommy. 

I don't always make the best decisions but I make the best decisions I know how to make calling on the instincts I was born with.  I want both of my kids to be free spirits.  To know that their feelings are real and it's okay to be sensitive.  I want them to know that they can be anything they want to be and it's not because I am good at speaking in front of people or that his daddy is amazing at organizing his thoughts and getting things done.  They are who they are and God made them that way.

I am not the mom I thought I was going to be...  but man oh man, do I love being the mom that I was supposed to be.  :-)