Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Chameleon

Hi, my name is Jessica and I am a people pleaser.  

I think I have always been a people pleaser and probably always will be.  I think it stems from a fairly low self esteem when I was younger and then it just became second nature.  I don't have such a low self esteem now, however, I still hate to have people mad or upset with me for any reason.  Even people I don't care for.  

In being this people pleaser...  I think that I tend to chameleon myself to whichever person I am with at the time.  If you are someone who only uses "green" products and organic produce...  I tailor my "passions" to that person.  Of course I only shop at central market and only buy all natural products.  Look how environmentally conscious I am.  

If I am hanging out with someone who only buys prada bags and loves $100 shoes... well, look at my fine Italian leather boots (no worries that I bought them ten years ago and they were on sale).  Of course I can spend $100 on dinner and it's only a Tuesday. 

If you are a mother that disciplines her child a certain way and your child minds all the time... well let me show you how good of a mother I am.  Of course I don't spank my child and I NEVER put him in time out and let him out immediately because he tells me "I love you mommy!  I sorry mommy!"  Of course I don't let him have a paci and he's four.  I would NEVER do that. 

I am making some extreme examples and some or none of them are true.  But I think in trying to keep or get people to like me... I sometimes say what I think they want me to say, be who I think they want me to be...  and not necessarily what I am really thinking or who I really am.  

This isn't a conscious thing that I do... I am not deliberately setting out to deceive people...  I just tailor my comments and actions to the people that I am with...  but all of a sudden (and with some very smart people's insight)...  I realized that I'm not sure that I know how *I* feel about anything.  How sad is that?

How DO I feel about being environmentally conscious?  DO I really give a rats ass about prada handbags?  Do I really even like to go camping or is my idea of roughing it a hotel with no coffee maker?  What kind of parent DO I want to be and am I being that person?  What kind of friend do I want to be?  The one that tells you what you want to hear or the one that tells you my honest and true opinion.  

I think I am a fraud.  

But I don't want to be a fraud any more... I am throwing my gauntlet down and saying...  my new years resolution (I know, I know... it's June) is going to be to work on being more authentic.  I still want to be liked and I really DO care what YOU think of me...  but hopefully you will like the authentic me even better and I will still work to make each and every one of you feel better and good about yourself.  :-)  

I want you to feel better for knowing me not that knowing me means I change colors depending on if I am with you or your neighbor.  You may need to help me with this when I fall back on old behaviors.  :-)  

Hi, my name is Jessica and I am no longer going to be a chameleon. 

5 comments:

macfamilytx said...

I love you for you.

The Mommy said...

I couldn't have written than pretty much verbatim. I love you for writing this and I agree, no more fraud here either. I'm going to be me!

For what it's worth, I pink puffy heart you and think you're fabulous no matter which boots you're wearing or where you shop.

The Great Elephant Symposium said...

I also struggle with people pleasing. I'm always trying to make everyone happy. It's a very difficult thing because as I noticed recently, you can't make everyone happy. That was wonderfully written and I totally understand!!

Vanessa said...

Totally enjoyed reading this! The authentic YOU is extraordinary as is evidence in your blog! While reading I was spinning your story in a different direction (Can I share? It's hard to resist.), identifying and applying your experiences with my own. I've got a friend for every occasion. With one I discuss shopping and decorating, with another one I talk about babies, with another one I do yoga... I love all these things but tend to spread the love around. ;-) I wonder if maybe you are satisfying your diverse interests by plugging into different friends? You're exploding with authenticity, J! Oh, and I don't think anyone could walk away from you without feeling great! You are a gem!!! And so ballsy to share your deepest darkests! xoxoxoxV

Jess said...

I already knew this about you and am so happy that the REAL Jessica will shine through all the time. Love you friend!