Hi, my name is Jessica and I am a people pleaser.
I think I have always been a people pleaser and probably always will be. I think it stems from a fairly low self esteem when I was younger and then it just became second nature. I don't have such a low self esteem now, however, I still hate to have people mad or upset with me for any reason. Even people I don't care for.
In being this people pleaser... I think that I tend to chameleon myself to whichever person I am with at the time. If you are someone who only uses "green" products and organic produce... I tailor my "passions" to that person. Of course I only shop at central market and only buy all natural products. Look how environmentally conscious I am.
If I am hanging out with someone who only buys prada bags and loves $100 shoes... well, look at my fine Italian leather boots (no worries that I bought them ten years ago and they were on sale). Of course I can spend $100 on dinner and it's only a Tuesday.
If you are a mother that disciplines her child a certain way and your child minds all the time... well let me show you how good of a mother I am. Of course I don't spank my child and I NEVER put him in time out and let him out immediately because he tells me "I love you mommy! I sorry mommy!" Of course I don't let him have a paci and he's four. I would NEVER do that.
I am making some extreme examples and some or none of them are true. But I think in trying to keep or get people to like me... I sometimes say what I think they want me to say, be who I think they want me to be... and not necessarily what I am really thinking or who I really am.
This isn't a conscious thing that I do... I am not deliberately setting out to deceive people... I just tailor my comments and actions to the people that I am with... but all of a sudden (and with some very smart people's insight)... I realized that I'm not sure that I know how *I* feel about anything. How sad is that?
How DO I feel about being environmentally conscious? DO I really give a rats ass about prada handbags? Do I really even like to go camping or is my idea of roughing it a hotel with no coffee maker? What kind of parent DO I want to be and am I being that person? What kind of friend do I want to be? The one that tells you what you want to hear or the one that tells you my honest and true opinion.
I think I am a fraud.
But I don't want to be a fraud any more... I am throwing my gauntlet down and saying... my new years resolution (I know, I know... it's June) is going to be to work on being more authentic. I still want to be liked and I really DO care what YOU think of me... but hopefully you will like the authentic me even better and I will still work to make each and every one of you feel better and good about yourself. :-)
I want you to feel better for knowing me not that knowing me means I change colors depending on if I am with you or your neighbor. You may need to help me with this when I fall back on old behaviors. :-)
Hi, my name is Jessica and I am no longer going to be a chameleon.