My father always said that we are a product of our environment. The people we surround ourselves with are what shape us. My father is a wise man. :)
I won't even get into what he used to tell us that was complete rubbish. Ha! :) He is human afterall.
My past, really, OUR past, does in fact, shape who we are. Our life experiences can either come along as memories or as baggage depending on if they are a positive or negative thing.
So, I was always the nerdy kid in class. I always wanted to be accepted, I mean who doesn't? I always felt like I went out of my way... others might think differently. And I did act a bit snobby but that was more a defense mechanism. I grew up and I grew out of it, mostly. :) But one thing I never grew out of was the desire to please and be liked by everyone, even if I don't like them. Crazy, huh?
Well, one year in college, I went with my roommate and two other friends to the Bahama's. We were having a blast! One night we went out and got our drink on and we came back and went to bed. I went to bed early because we were supposed to swim with dolphins the next day and I was excited. My friends, not as much. They went out on the balcony to smoke cigarettes, drink some more and hang out.
For some reason, they didn't close the door all the way and I woke up to them talking about me. For four hours. Yes, you read that right. FOUR hours. I listened to them talk about me for FOUR hours. And it all stemmed from them not really wanting to go to swim with dolphins and how I would make them miserable if we didn't go. There were other comments about how "frugal" I was and how I didn't let things go easily. And luckily, almost fifteen years later, I don't remember all that was said about me. I finally walked out and told them that I had heard them and of course, they felt horrible. And eventually, we all talked and I forgave them. In fact, I am still friends with them. (mostly on facebook).
One thing I haven't forgotten though is that feeling. That feeling I had when I listened to all of my bad traits (and I know I have them... shoot, I'M human too) spelled out in painful description.
I know that it's normal and it's human to talk about people. Usually it's not malicious or hateful... just kind of matter of fact or petty annoyances. And I know that was what this was with those girls so long ago.
I can say though, that it is baggage that I carry around with me. I know that I am still, to this day, insecure when it comes to my very best friendships. I know that they love me. I know that they would NEVER hurt me. I also know that *I* get quiet and feel insecure and worry if I don't hear what's going on. I slink back into my shell and that 21 year old girl emerges and I worry. I stew. I get scared that they don't like me for some reason or that I have annoyed them or... or... or.
So, if you are my friends... please don't hold it against me if it seems that I always need to know what's going on. Or if I ask you regularly... "you're not mad at me, are you?" Or even if I sulk. What you can do is ask me about it? I love you guys and I can't even tell you ALL how much you mean to me. If I annoy you or have done something, I would much rather have you tell me outright so I can change it or know about it than keep it from me.
I recognize that this is MY baggage and no one else's... but I got to thinking about it recently and thought I'd share something personal with you. Hope you don't mind. :)